I have a folder on my computer titled “jokes”. They are my favorite forwards that I’ve received over the years. There’s only one problem…I haven’t updated it in years. My email inbox is no longer full of forwards! Where have all the forwards gone? (Cue the Paula Cole music)
It seems as though these forwards have gone on a diet, started dating some images, and moved out of their parents’ inboxes and are now a resurfacing as only a sentence or two as an overlay on a generic image and posted a social media site. They still are being passed around, but with a cool new “share” button rather than the “forward” or “reply all” button that lead to some of their youthful indiscretions.
Don’t you miss forwards like this?
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
How about another classic chain letter:
This is the funniest thing in the world! In exactly 87 seconds, you have to send this to 275 people, then if you press (space bar + tab + backspace + page up) a clip will pop up on your screen of a mad goat attacking Bill Gates and butting him into a pile of garbage! I couldn’t stop laughing, even though since I’m typing this I obviously couldn’t have seen it yet, and there is absolutely no way to attach a clip in a way that you have to send the email before you see the clip, it’s still true! And you know what else is true? I am Batman! And if you stay online doing absolutely nothing for one hour after sending this, I’ll email you a gift certificate for five million dollars to spend at Wal-Mart! Just forget the fact that I have no way of finding the email addresses of people who send this out, and the fact that stores will recognize a fake gift certificate. Just send this out, you’ll be glad you did!
I would get chain letters like the following one with so many forward signs, i.e. >>>>>>>, that I could barely read it.
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Stupid Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drain pipe in a flood of sewerage, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Stupid Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend. They both died. Their families were so upset that everyone related to them (even by marriage) went crazy and pent the rest of their miserable lives in an institution. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK.
Not all the forwards were jokes. The warned me of the email computer viruses. These were so notorious that even Weird Al made a song about them.
VIRUS WARNING!!! If you receive an email entitled “Bad times,” delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It de-magnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It mixes antifreeze into your aquarium and puts dirty socks on the table when company is coming over. It uses your credit cards, forges your signature, and dates your boy/girlfriend. It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law’s number. It will make mad goats come into your home to raid your refrigerator and soil your furniture. So be careful! Forward this to all of your friends, relatives, neighbors, family, enemies, plumbers, garbage men, stock brokers, doctors, and any other acquaintances! It’s for their own good! Thank you.
Chain letters aren’t the only ones in the folder. There was one that compared work and prison environments.
IN PRISON……….you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK…………you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON……….you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…………you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON………you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…………you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON………the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK……….you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON……….you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…………you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON……….you get your own toilet.
AT WORK………..you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON……….they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…………you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON……….all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK……you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON………you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
AT WORK ………..you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON ……you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK…………they are called managers
ENJOY YOUR DAY AT WORK!.
There was another that explained life.
On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s a kind of tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed. (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed, again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?” “Okay, said God. You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
I also learned that in my next life, I should be a bear.
In my next life I want to be a bear. If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake up to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup…..Gonna be a bear
I learned about cownomics.
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.
You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy White House influence, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves
You have two cows. They are both mad.
You have two cows. You don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.
You have two cows. You worship them.
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
You have two cows. The one on the left is kinda cute…
I even got life lessons from my “mother”.
What my mother taught me:
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well-done:
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me religion:
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about time travel: ”
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me logic:
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me foresight:
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me irony:
“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of osmosis:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
My mother taught me about contortionism:
“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about stamina:
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is eaten.”
My mother taught me about weather:
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
My mother taught me how to solve physics problems:
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”
My mother taught me about hypocrisy:
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – don’t exaggerate!!!”
My mother taught me the circle of life:
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about behavior modification:
“Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about envy:
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
There are more in this folder on my computer (well, okay Google Drive), but those rebellious forwards will have to wait for another day.
And if you have more forwards you’d like to see here, feel free to submit it in a guest post!